Four Letter Word
by antoa

Keywords: R/T Rating: NC-17
Feedback: Yes please! I live for feedback.
Disclaimer: I own everything! Paramount owns it all.
Author's note: This takes place right after Encounter at Farpoint and was inspired by the Cake song of the similar title, lyrics at the end.
Pure PWP - my first one.

Part 1

Deanna knew the second he was outside her door. She had actually sensed his intention the moment he had made up his mind to pay her a visit. Although she knew it to be inevitable, that still didn't prepare her for the reality of the encounter they were about to have.

He hadn't rung her chime yet and she could feel his hesitation. Did he not realize that she would know he was there? Did their time apart erase his knowledge of her ability and their connection? She let out a sigh of frustration at his inability to take the last necessary step to begin the inevitable. Taking her frustration out on the door mechanism, she almost smiled at the startled look on the Commander's face. Almost.

They stared at each other for countless moments, oblivious to the confused stares and whispers of fellow crewmembers passing in the corridor. It soon became obvious to Deanna that Will had lost the ability to perform basic motor skills such as taking the single step necessary to place him in her quarters. Grabbing his arm, she pulled him across the threshold. The door to closed behind him, shutting them into their own world away from the confines of Starfleet. She wrapped her arms protectively around her waist. It was an unconscious gesture that helped her control the slight tremors his close proximity seemed to cause.

Riker cleared his throat, searching for his voice. "Hi."

A raised eyebrow, asking a silent question was her only response.

His gaze shifting uncomfortably to the floor, Will searched for the words in the bland, standard Starfleet issued carpet. "I just wanted to stop by and say hi and uh…" He cleared his throat again and forced himself to raise his eyes to meet hers. "And to see how you were."

"Fine." It was the first word she had spoken and she was surprised to find it projecting a calm confidence she was not experiencing at the moment.

"That's good to hear." She held him captive with her dark eyes. He became lost in their depths, and before he knew what was happening their lips were locked in a torrid dance they had thought long forgotten.

Riker's back came into contact with the hard surface of the door behind him, a stark contrast to the soft, supple body that pinned him there. His hands skimmed over the curves of her hips and breasts, unable to keep them still. Their heated kiss continued, fanning the flames of desire that already threatened to consume them both. Deanna's hands moved across his broad shoulders and down his chest, quickly relearning the contours of his body.

Without warning he pushed away from the door and reversed their positions, pinning her against the wall with his solid form. His hands moved to her back, searching for the fasten of her uniform as his mouth left heated trails along her neck. He pulled her uniform down her shoulder, exposing more skin to his searing kisses.

A desperate moan escaped her parted lips. There was a small, nagging part of her demanding they stop before it goes too far. That voice was immediately silenced as Riker's hands caressed the satin skin of her thighs, inching the fabric of her uniform up over her hips, his arousal pressing against her stomach. Deanna quickly freed her arms from the confines of her uniform and set upon the task of helping Riker do the same.

Every inch of Riker's skin she exposed was immediately covered once again with her lips and fingers, touching and tasting. The feel of his firm body pressing her against the wall, the taste of him, his hands leaving trails of fire all over her heated skin were intoxicating, drugging her into a state of erotic euphoria.

Riker wasn't thinking any clearer. Drunk with is need for her he quickly removed her plain white, regulation bra, letting it drop unceremoniously to the floor at their feet. Her regulation underwear was soon to follow. His hands moved up to kneed the bare flesh of her breasts, thumbs flicking over her nipples eliciting a moan from deep within Deanna's throat.

Will's mouth soon replaced his hands as Deanna pushed his uniform as far down his hips as she could manage. His erection sprung free of the fabric and she immediately took him in her hand, stroking his length. Will responded instantly to her ministrations. A cry of surprise filled the room as Deanna suddenly felt her feet leave their stable spot on the floor. Instinctively her legs wrapped themselves around his waist. In her new position Deanna's head was slightly above Will's so she lowered it to deliver another universe shattering kiss.

Shifting slightly, pulling her hips towards him, Will entered her in one swift motion. Caught off guard by his sudden movements, Deanna dug her nails into his neck to steady herself. She clung to him as wave after wave of erotic desire washed over her empathic senses mixing, mingling with her own in a sensual, twisted dance until she was no longer able to discern his emotions from her own.

Riker felt it too. Caught up in the current of the shared emotions, he let himself be swept away. He began to slowly move within her, forcing himself to keep his pace slow and steady, not wanting the moment and the sensations to end before they really had begun. Despite his best efforts, his body's desires began to take over, pushing ever harder and faster towards the inevitable goal.

Supported only by the wall behind her and Riker's strong body, Deanna could do little else but kiss, caress, taste, touch every available inch of his skin that was within her reach. She had almost forgotten how it felt to be consumed by

Riker's hands refused to remain idle, skimming over the curves of her hips, cupping the weight of her full breasts, driving Deanna senseless with desire. He could tell she was close to the edge and only needed one small nudge to send her spiraling down. Struggling to open his mind up, he clumsily tried to reach across their slowly awakening connection. Deanna felt him push against the crumbling wall she had erected. Her resolved was too weakened at that moment to put up much of a fight so the wall fell and their two souls became entwined once again.

The renewed connection was overwhelming in its intensity. Passions and desires fed off each other, building, coalescing, finally pushing Deanna over the edge. She clung to him, riding wave after wave of ecstasy. Through their link Riker felt every bit of her climax and soon followed her into the abyss. With one final thrust he let out a strangled moan. His legs finally gave way below him and he sank to his knees with Deanna still wrapped tightly around him.

They remained that way for several long moments as they floated down from their euphoric high, catching their breath.

Riker slowly regained his focus first and began raining tiny, loving kisses along her neck and shoulders. When he finally spoke his voice was tick with emotion, barely above a whisper. "God, Deanna. I never thought I would see you again. Are you really here? It's like a wonderful dream come true. I have missed you so much and have never stopped loving you." The words tumbled from his mouth and his emotions tumbled over Troi's empathic senses.

Deanna was drowning in the sea of emotions forged by their union and reawakened bond, fighting to focus her mind, to make sense of the swirling emotions and get her head above water. When the reality of the situation finally hit her it was with the force of a phaser blast. She pulled back from his embrace. Their eye locked for a fraction of a second before she untangled herself from his body. There was no mistaking the pain Riker saw in her eyes. Walking on shaky legs to the opposite end of the room, she pulled her uniform back on, smoothing it down over her hips.

"Deanna?" His voice was laced with confusion, and a touch of panic. The way he said her name spoke volumes. Will rose from the floor and hastily pulled his uniform up.

She was trembling, her arms wrapped tightly around her in a futile attempt at quelling the tremors. Her tears stubbornly filled her dark eyes though she willed them not to fall. Breathing deeply, Deanna struggled to calm herself.

Will ached with every ounce of his being. He couldn't stand to see her in pain like this. Longing to cross the distance between them and take her into his arms once again, he cursed his limbs' inability to carry out his request.

Several long moments past between them before Riker was able to close the physical distance between them. He walked up behind her, reaching out to touch her, but hesitated. His hands hovered just above her shoulders.

"Imzadi, please."

Hearing him say that word aloud caused her to jump. All of the love, the hurt, anger, frustration, the passion, and desire of their past, everything that was associated with that one deceivingly simple word came flooding back to her, and Deanna stumbled under its weight. "Leave." Her voice was choked, pleading, barely above a whisper.


Part 2

"Please, Deanna. We need to talk." Will closed the last bit of distance between them and placed his hands lightly on her shoulders.

The moment he made contact she pulled away from his touch and turned quickly to face him. Her tear-filled eyes flashed of hurt and anger before suddenly becoming devoid of all emotion. "This was a mistake. I am sorry, Bill." Her voice was just as emotionless - even, steady and calm.

Riker on the other hand was far from calm. He refused to believe what he was hearing. "No, Deanna. It was not a mistake." He took her firmly by the shoulders forcing her to meet his gaze. "I will not dismiss what just happened between us, not again. I made that mistake once in my life and I refuse to do it again."

"Please, don't -"

Silencing her with a gentle finger to her lips, he shook his head. "I need to say this." He stepped away form her and began silently pacing the small space. When his thoughts were gathered he ceased his stride and regarded her, capturing her dark eyes with his. "I cannot take away the hurt that I have caused you in the past, I know that. Nothing can excuse the fact that I pushed aside our relationship in favor of my career before, but when you stepped out from that turbolift it felt as though the universe was giving me a second chance to make things right. Hearing your voice in my head -- god, Deanna, I never thought I would get to experience that again. It's like a drug." She tore herself from his gaze, overwhelmed by all of the raw emotion she saw within his crystal blue eyes and felt within them both. "I knew that I had missed you and that I still loved you, but the intensity of those feelings didn't hit me until that moment. How I managed to breath without you near me I will never know because the mere thought of living without you in my life is enough to rob me of my ability to function."

Placing a gentle finger under her chin he forced her to look at him again. "Please Deanna, don't shut me out. Don't regret what we have done." He let his thumb run tenderly over her cheek.

Deanna sighed lightly, reveling in the slight contact. She closed her eyes, willing her next words to come out of her mouth before it was too late. "I do want to be in you life and I won't shut you out." His relief rushed over her as he moved to take her in his arms, but she held up a hand, stopping the embrace before it had begun. "I want to be a part of your life as a friend, nothing more." She opened her tear-filled eyes and felt their hearts break at her words. "Right now I am not capable of anything more."

The emotional blow to Riker's gut caused him to double over in pain. His mind was whirling. Friend, friend... end, nothing more. The words echoed through his soul. End, nothing more.

"Deanna, Imzadi, I love you." His words were pleading, full of all the love and desperation that flowed between them.

"And I love you too." She didn't hesitate, she didn't have to. She knew that she loved him with everything that she was. "But that's not enough to begin rebuilding a romantic relationship, not right now. Not while we are serving on the same ship. I have worked too hard to get where I am to risk it all by getting romantically involved with a superior officer."

"Deanna, you know that Starfleet could care less about what two consenting adults do when they are off duty."

"But what if things go bad between us. I don't think I could survive the pain again, and I know I wouldn't be able to serve with you." A shiver rippled through her small frame.

"Deanna, please. I --"

"Bill, don't." She turned her back to him, fixing her eyes on the stars, but not really seeing the streaks of light that passed by, her arms wrapped protectively around her. "As difficult as it was, I have made my decision. Please respect my wishes and allow me to be a friend."

There it was again, that word. Friend... end. Riker opened his mouth to speak, but found no words through the ache. Instead, he just turned and walked silently out of her quarters.

When the door slid shut behind him, Deanna's resolve finally crumbled. She didn't even feel the pain when her knees hit the floor below, her own emotional anguish pushing everything else aside. Huge, heaving sobs wracked her body as she finally gave into the turmoil within. Though she new she was making the right decision for herself and her sanity, that didn't ease the pain she felt to her very core.

After a few moments the ache dissipated and was replaced with nothing Deanna was numb, a self-defense mechanism her psyche initiated. The pain and the hurt will still there, in the background, threatening to punch through the wall at anytime, but for now she kept them at bay. She had to. She had no choice.

Finding her strength again, she made her way to the bedroom. Without even bothering to remove her crumpled uniform, Deanna collapsed into bed and fell into a restless sleep.

Riker couldn't sleep either. Deanna's words playing in his mind like a horrified, twisted dream. Lying on his back on the bed, he stared at the smooth contours of the bulkhead.

He had returned directly to his own cabin and proceeded to quickly down four glasses of synthehol hoping a painless haze would set in. But as it always is with synthehol, right when you think you are about to reach the edge of drunken oblivion, you are snapped back into the land of the sober.

Eventually he had given up and crawled into bed, the stabbing pain pushing him to exhaustion, but sleep evaded his grasp. Friend...end. The words repeated in his mind like a mantra. The images of their passion burned onto his mind's eye.

The tears slipped unnoticed onto the pillow and hours later he too fell into a restless sleep, plagued with memories of his past.

 

End


Friend is a Four Letter Word
by Cake

To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.
End is the only part of the word
That I heard.
Call me morbid or absurd.
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.

When I go fishing for the words
I am wishing you would say to me,
I'm really only praying
That the words you'll soon be saying
Might betray the way you feel about me.

But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.